I've told you how everything last week seemed to revolve around dreams, wishes and ideas held out in the stratosphere for us to fulfill...or not. Partly because I am trying to decide whether or not to go back to school for a teaching certificate, I have been trying to separate "should haves" from "wishful thinking" and "wasted time."
Age is another aspect of my dream thoughts. On Wednesday night with my writing group I wrote:
"I have been called a Dreamer which seems like an epitaph. A friend in college days once wrote a set of poems about each member in our group, and I was characterized as a dreamer. The last lines were "The dream of the dreamer is the dream of death." I was unsettled by this and wrote him later asking for a new, more hopeful ending stanza, which he did produce. However, the original was the one that burned into my mind and at the moment I can't find any of them. But somehow being a dreamer is inextricably linked with a) not really doing any
thing, just imagining progress toward a goal b) death c) uselessness in a poetic sort of way.
Is this the dichotomy, dreams versus action? Is this why time becomes the enemy as inaction reigns court over dreams? And why is a dream rendered impotent by inaction? Can holding a dream be preferable to realizing it?
Is fear the deadly enemy? 'What if it's not what I wanted after all?' 'What if I am disappointed?' 'What if it's too hard to reach?' 'What if I have to give up too much for it?'
Thinking versus doing. Dreaming versus action. Time versus finality."
Besides the question of going back to school or not, the Big Question in my mind as I face a big birthday this weekend is: Am I getting too old for this sort of thing? And, Do I Really Want It? and, Why can't I just let myself stay at home and read like other people my age?
I decided I need to quit being vague about my dreams. I want so much!! I want to be a painter, too. And I've always had this Art versus English dilemma, ever since I went to college in the first place. But I made some resolutions:
1. I need to define my dreams to something real and quantifiable, not just grasping for more and bigger experiences in a vaguely unattainable way.
2. I need to decide if I really do want what I keep thinking "would be nice to have" such as a teaching certificate.
3. If I don't really want it, I need to quit thinking about it and idealizing it.
4. I don't have to be all-or-nothing as far as art and teaching go. They can mutually exist in my life. And writing. And family.
I had just come to a point in my thinking last week where I was wondering if I should quit all this nonsense and accept the status quo. Then I went to school Friday morning and a student handed me this note:
Can you imagine my surprise? It was so out of context I knew it had fallen straight out of Heaven for me!